You know what? I can't take it. My Aunt Rachael annoys me in every meaning of the word. Why? I don't know, she can be talking to me, kidding around, I'm annoyed; she can talk to me, I'm annoyed. She can be playing the computer, I'm annoying, she can be chewing, I'm annoyed. The way she chews, the way she does things, when she has her days off, when she talks to me, when she's around me, when she touches me and wants a hug; when she touches my seat, when she asks what's wrong, when she's cooking, when she's ribbing me; when she takes a drink; when she's eating, when she asks me about something, when she tries to carry on a conversation, when she comes home from work, when she turns off the air conditing and comes out and opens a window; when she asks me to do something, when she asks what I'm doing, when she comes near me ANYTHING IT ALL ANNOYS ME. It's her, I can't take it. She's dang nice, she nags because I don't have a perfect clean mouth like her, she nags me to do something, she says to be nice (in a teasing way) and I completely take it wrong, she doesn't get humor or sarcasm, I always feel like I can't like something because I don't know what the heck Mom and Rachael are gonna think. Because I'm afraid of speaking my mind in reality, and these two women who have taken care of me, and loved me no matter what have given me no reason to fear them.
I don't know why Rach annoys me, because she's one of the nicest people I know, maybe I'm just really mean, I also think some of it is an underline problem, and depression, thus I'm getting into therapy.
I love Sailor Moon, Mom hates it, she can't stand it, that was the only reason I gave up my videos of Sailor Moon, and the other things I had. for Moom; because I could always tell she hated them; because she's a Christian and because of that I can't like certain things. I'm a Christian too, but I believe it's just a story, make believe and there's nothing wrong with it; but because Sailor Mars is a Physicic it's bad. Well, guess what? J.R.R Tolkien was a Christian, and he wrote Lady Galadriel's Mirror! She let me read Harry potter finally after bugging her about it, but she thinks that's bad too. It's Fiction. It's a story. It's not like I'm going to go out and practice witch-craft! Sailor Moon is about these girls how they were reincarnated, and have to carry out their destiny and destroy the negaverse, and everyone is after the Ginziousho (Neo-Queen Serenity's Silver Crystal), and it's like 6 seaons, seen 'em all and their good!
I love Inuyasha, she has no clue about it but I don't dare tell her, why? Because there are.... demons in it, forget that fact it's fiction, forget the fact I would never stray from my God, forget what I want, it's an evil show so I shouldn't watch it, I just know what she would say, and of course Rachael would back her, because that's what they do. Inuyasha is about this Half-Dog demon, not all demons in the story are bad. There is the Shikon No Tama Jewel everyone is after, well in the past Inuyasha was in love with a Miko by the name of Kikyo they both were tricked by a demon (whom let's other demons feed on his body to make him stronger) named Naraku. Kikyo took a Miko Arrow and sealed Inuyasha onto the the tree, she then died herself, but was reborn into Kagome and that's where the story starts, however like in Episode... 2 or 3... maybe further, Kagome accidently shoots an arrow through the jewel and the shards are scattered and now their working to find them all. Inuyasha has a Half-brother named Sesshomaru who is a full Youkai, and wants the sword their Father left Inuyasha the Tessaiga which can kill a 100 Youkai with one swing. Sesshomaru has the Tensiega that can heal a 100 people in one swing, however it's not the sword Sesshomaru wants, anyway, it's a good story line, but my Mother would hate it.
Ronin Warriors, I love that show, I have no clue what she would say, but I can't say I want to take a chance on it, because she maybe upset about it, and roll her eyes, I'm so nervous to like things because I don't know what Mom will say; and then I start feeling like everything I do is wrong. Ronin Warrior's is about this evil man Talpa who has this mystical Armor, well the Anicent sealed Talpa away back to the Dynasty, well the Armor of Talpa stayed, and the Ancient split the Armor up into different signs, and these five men would protect Earth, the other five would work for Talpa as evil Warlords. It's about them defeating Talpa, I don't think there's really anything bad about it.
I like Fruits Basket, however that's about Zodiac animals, again forget it's fiction. Anything about Astrology is evil, which I do know, but it's only evil when you practice it. I'm not. I don't even believe in Astrology, it's a fictional show. About these guys who are cursed by these vengeful spirits from the Zodiac and when their hugged they turn into Animals. Again, What's bad about it? Oh, right, the Zodiac Who the heck cares? It's fiction.
I also like Card Captor Sakura, I don't think anything is bad in that. There are these Clow Cards, and Sakura finds them in this basement but first the night before she had, had this dream about it, anyway, she finds a card that says, "WINDY" and she says it, well it activates wind and all the cards are scatered, well the guardian had fallen asleep, and didn't protect the cards like he was suppose to, this one dude a Socerer or something created these cards anyway, Sakura was appointed Card Captor. I love it, again can't see anything bad as it's fiction, and I'm not going to go out and do this stuff.
I like Trigun, it's kind of about this gun bandit whose supposedly killing all these people and destroying these towns his name is Vash the Stampede, of course there's a little bit of swearing, oh em gosh golly gee. How horrible, and it has some weird looking guys, she'd probably freak out over that. I'm afraid to form my own opinions in a way, because I'm not always sure Mom will approve and these are things I love, and enjoy, but because Mom might get mad, I keep it to myself. I watch all the things I love that I'm not sure she'd like or I know she hates, on www.youtube.com and everytime she comes near, I pause it and quickly click it down. I mean I use to watch the Thundercats but it did something weird and I was never allowed to watch it again. That crushed me. She asked if I wanted to get rid of my Sailor Moon videos and I kind of himmed and hawed about it, but she said, "You don't watch them." Kind of shortly, maybe I took it wrong, and because I knew she hated it, I gave in, and sold them. I wanted to cry, that was horrible, these are things I enjoy in life.
I want to be an Author and I've got a great Plot in my Mind, but it's about magic, and the Zodiac, and stuff, even though it's only fiction, I'm afraid to tell her. She knows I want to be an Author, she just doesn't know I have a plot that would probably extend to a trilogy or series. Anyway, I had a dream last night that she was upset and refused to let me write it, she got rid of all the papers of my plot ideas. That's how I feel about forming my opinions, it's scary and I'm afraid she won't like them. I know people aren't always going to like what I like but in someway she always makes me feel bad. When Sailor Moon was cancelled over here, I cried and Mom seemed upset or like she couldn't understand why I was. If a show like CSI or something was cancelled she'd be crying, but I'm not allowed to cry over my shows? Pssh, it's not fair.
I can't wait to move out, because I know once I do, I can like the things I want, and not feel afraid Mom's looking over my shoulder "tsk, tsking". She has no clue what music I like, I hide the CD's, I buy or lie about it, because I know she'll hate them. She always feels the need to crituqe. I can't wait to leave sometimes, I love my Mom, she's great and all, but sometimes I'm afraid. I know she hates these things, and I sometimes feel her belief's pushed on me. I don't want people to think she's mean or bad, for the most part she's lax and flexable but in some area's she makes me feel bad. I know a lot of parents are like that because they worry about their kids but I'm not drinking or doing drugs or in the occult or anything.
For the most part my Mother is lax, she lets me do mostly what I want, she's lax when I swear and mostly ignores it, and I know as a teen in my point of view it's probably all exagerated and I probably have seen these things wrong, and I know as I've gotten older she's let me do a lot more. My Rational and logical side tells me that, now she knows I'm old enough to make my own desicions, she would most likely give me her point of view and say, "I don't agree with it, but it's you're choice." I think it's because back when my Dad was different then he is now, I was beaten down, and now I'm afraid of everything, even if I know my Mother would be very understanding, it's the irrational side saying, "Oooh, she's gonna get mad Courtney." or, "Can't tell her that'd you know she'd be like you're Dad and scream at you." I'm really being judgemental when I think about it, when I think about it, I know my Mother would let it go, and let me do what I want, but I'm afraid. Fruits Basket has this one pervert in it so does Inuyasha, (Miroku: Will you Bear my child? (he asks that to every pretty girl) lol!) But in the same breath, the other people in the show end up smacking the pervert and telling them it's improper, lol so it's not like it's teaching it to be okay, because the show isn't doing that.
When I was about 12 or 13 I told Mom that Sailor Moon was my hero and she replied with, "God should be you're hero." You can have more then one hero...can't you? I feel like things I like or say are wrong. Even though Mom probably meant it in a good way. She wonder's why I'm so closed off and I don't talk to her about things, well I'm nervous and uptight even though I know she'd be understanding. That's why I feel the need to hide. That's why I don't talk to her, because I'm scared, and I know my Mother would be extremely hurt to feel I feel like I can't come to her, because my Mother has been the most understanding and a lot of people say she's way too easy on me. She's never made me fear her... my Father has made me fear things.
I'm sorry this was long but I felt the need to vent, when you read this remember this is from a point of view, of a person who is depressed and has underline issues, in reality my Mother would probably let me watch those shows, because it was my choice, it's my fear of things, that makes me see things through the wrong light.
Love you all lots,